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Somedays I wake up with this terrible feeling that there is an endless stream of opportunities, variations, complicated timings and effects. Its times like this I wonder with an aching pit in my stomach were my resolve should be, what I'm settling for. What the hell am i trying for?

The post before the flood

I need to learn to stay away from my computer during depressive streaks, but the problem is that the seductive powers of internet almost-human contact become irresistible. Next thing I know my status updates on facebook say things like, "Elizabeth Cook 'is lost'." which when translated is roughly "Elizabeth Cook 'is desperately afraid of the ten or twenty minutes before falling asleep and is placating her desire for human contact by posting ambiguous, lame posts on facebook at one o'clock in the morning'." Does anyone else have this problem? (besides every thirteen and fourteen year old girl in America.) In other news, I may have swineflu.

peace out.

-Lizz

I hate how liquid she is

I hate how liquid she is
splashing from room to room
seeping under the doors and
through the cracks
showing up where you least expect her
smiling, bubbling,
staining the wallpaper.
With a crash
she throws herself down the stairs
like water over the Green Lane Dam;
crackling, and loud.

The Truth About It Is...

Playing music loudly in my room and frustrated that "Stumble" on Firefox continues to redirect me from Counterculture, I stumble across a page on Fibromyalgia Management.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/fibromyalgia/fibromyalgia-coping-physically.aspx?xid=SU_

The truth about it is, I'm not disabled...These people are talking about coping with re-entering the workforce, and avoiding household tasks like washing dishes to prevent "Flare-ups". I'm twenty years old, barely beginning to figure out what kind of adventures I can get away with during adult life; some of my favorite things are dancing, gardening, taking long walks and generally getting my heart rate up any way possible. So what am I? Crazy. Not the most social person in the world. Weaker than average.A college student with an anxiety disorder.A terrible friend. A masochist. Just bitter.A little emo. The worlds most predictable cop-out.Under the weather.An eighty year-old woman with the height of a supermodel-Anything I can belive that doesn't summon images of late childhood and early adolescence; that crushing weight of passive doctors and nurses, weekly blood drawings, pick lines, pills and that pressing face of a caring, controlling and out of control mother. Peers with pink faces drawing a chalk line between themselves and my sorry skinny hide, tottering on the edge of understanding my own mortality. I have a handicap parking sticker, but I don't cut myself the slack of believing I'm...

It's frustrating. When people know, when people don't. There are days when I look at you people,through a fog, convinced that you have no idea what pain means or what I would give to have a body that followed the basic set of rules everyone else seems to enjoy. Of course, this isn't true-we all seem to have our own share of trauma.

Middle Rant

Five Minute Depression fighters.

Play 'Clint Eastwood' by the Gorilaz.

Stop at Barnes N Noble or similar bookstore. Inhale.

Buy a different shade of near-black nail polish.

Rent two movies; a guilty pleasure and something you need to see

Turn off your cell phone and enjoy five minutes of being unreachable and out without anyone's permission. (Less than ten years ago this was a dream, after all.)

Listen to music or read in your car when it's raining.***works particularly well with moon roofs.

Go to Mr.Lee's and pick up a pint of won-ton soup.


Paint your lips red, fluff out your bedraggled hair and impose yourself on humanity in whatever form first presents itself.

Read enough Thoreau to nurse a brief period of self-righteous solitude driven artwork.

Embrace your right to have an off day, moment or year. The best part of being human is smiling when you mean it.

Stumble. (or is this a symptom...)

*phone rings*

Saturday June 7th

Midnight Rocky Horror

I was feeling a little peculiar-Had it in my head to drive up to Macungie to visit my old high school (a mere hour away) at 11:00, but luckily saw people hanging outside the grand theater in Pennsburg wearing sequenced bustiers and stopped-Despite being in the mood to watch a classic by myself, surrounded by jolly weird strangers I still felt a little out of place. It was as scripted as catholic mass, but with Slut and Asshole replacing "Jesus" and "Thy"... I'm all for shouting obscenities in a dark theater, but apparently I'm snobby in my tolerance of magic the gathering chicks with flip books of prompts and choruses of "shits for brains" drowning out meatloaf's lyrics. *le' sigh* That being said, it was exactly what i needed.

Friday June 12th

Cats hate homework.

Snapped while working through Binomials with Mrs.Tims mom Friday afternoon- It felt really good to visit...

Thursday June 11th

"Of Course not, your a boy."

I was badly caught between this and a pic from the meeting, but seeing as Josh ships out (today? Tomorrow?) this might be my only chance to post a picture of him in butterfly wings, even if the quality is crappy

Wednesday June 10th

quiet evening in.

Tueday June 9th

Hot Patootie bless my soul, I really love that rock n roll...

Unfinished, and taken from where its chilling on my cabinet-blah.

unrelated- a melancholy day.

Monday June 8th

I live in my room.

Sunday June 7th

7 am tastes like doughnuts and failure.

Saturday June 6th

Camp-Ho.

Check back for comments later-I'm still digesting this weekend, and the sounds of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in the background is pretty distracting...

Friday June 5th

Rocker Handicap Dude.

Thursday June 4th

Vultures.


Dear Montco Security Personel:

Thank you for ticketing me for forgetting to put up my handicap parking sign, and expired Montco Parking tag; Because, you know, its entirely possible that some hoodlums would use your parking lot IN THE FREAKING MIDDLE OF NOWHERE BLUEBELL MONTGOMERY COUNTY for something other than academic use. Thank you for protecting us from these miscreants and for supporting a flawed bureaucratic system that meets once a month to review parking violations. As a reward for your faithful service you will find enclosed my $60's as well as my first born child and right arm.

Sincerely and Respectfully yours

Lizz Cook.

Wednesday June 3rd

"Sonics Got it."

It really is a shame that this is the only photo i took that night- Free Rootbeer float night turned into a stroll down south street, a pop into Condom Kingdom, a good look at a church turned pub and more- Its funny, but in a way this did me loads more good than walking around memory lane over the weekend.

Math

Tuesday May 2nd collides with trees and houses

Has the food supply in the house gone down to such a critical level that I am contemplating eating my power animal to survive? Not yet. This guy has been living in the corner of the downstairs bathroom for a couple of days, and via Fork was the only way i could free him from cobwebs without his wings breaking off into dust. Glad to feel like joking again.

I feel that the recent crash was in some way related to my over-compensation for the inevitable "down" of summer. I'm not prepared to have everything together yet. Maybe I'll give Dennis's strategy; Do one impulsive and questionable thing with friends once every few weeks, thing a try. I feel better. Bitches.

Post Drama Club Meeting

Monday June 1. No shoes No service.

I was feeling pretty good after the Drama Club "meeting" yesterday, which was mostly taking turns going down the tube slide to build up static electricity and shocking the first person to not shuffle away. Weather has been, like me, capricious-although more pleasant. This was taken outside of McD's, where Sami realized she was shoeless. Lucky for her I never travel without these babys.

cigarettes and bounty

Sunday May 31rst. "we drive without seatbelts on."

Happy Bithday lauryn

Saturday May 30'th Carpe Cakeum.

Sometimes a little madness

Friday 29th Chinese food run # 4

I Fucking Hate Summer.

Bittercup will resume when my mood clears up.

Graphic List

Finally Compiled this--its mostly from my notes so please excuse the spelling and whatnot.A few of these were suggested by some lovely lady friends of mine, and I'm not so sure about them...I've been told Blankets is really sweet...

Graphic Novel List:
• Maus by Art Spiegelman
• Watchmen
• V For Vendetta
• Persepolis by Marjane SatrapiAlice in Sunderland by Bryan Talbot
• The Sandman Series by Neil Gaiman.
• The Killing Joke- Alan Moore
• Arkham Aslyum: Dennis O'Neil
• Watchmen
• V For Vendetta
• From Hell Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell
• Understanding Comics Scott McCloud
• Why I Hate Saturn Kyle Baker.
• The Leaugue of Extraordinary Gentlemen
• Batman: Arkham Asylum
• Batman: The Long Halloween
• Transmetropolitan Vol.1 back on the street
• Essex County: Tales from the Farm by Jeff Lemire
• Blankets, Craig Thompson

Something to sleep to.

Thursday May 29th. Fresh air.

Missing Tim, trying not to let the summer slip between my fingers. Haven't done a lot of the planning I wanted, but maybe I've needed an adjusting week-trying to fit into a new routine. Its 1:25 am, don't feel too much like sleeping anymore. Perhaps I'll finish these and hit up some old friends on facebook. Feeling itchy from so much math...or maybe its just caffeine withdrawal.

Best. Meal. Ever.

Wednesday May 27th. The best meal I have ever consumed. at Montco.

Oh God this was so good. My hunger for salmon has been reawakened thanks to this sweet sweet blessing from the "culinary arts" in college hall. I'm really starting to (enjoy?) my summer classes. I've been going in to work in the lab early every morning, and breaking for lunch from 12:30-1:00 when my class starts. I've caught all the way up now, thanks largely in part to Wednesday when I clocked seven hours total in the DSL (which I am convinced was made possible because of this wonderful meal). There are a lot of nursing students wandering around in the summer, and everyone seems to be pretty congenial without the horde of students pushing in and out of the cafeteria. Its the way I had initially imagined college would be. Later painted with mum on the deck and watched Bride Wars with the girls. A recovery day.

Bite your nose to....um....your face....

Tuesday May 25th, "That sounds reasonable..."

This is one of my proudest pictures-Little did they know upon entering this meeting I was a girl with a blog in mind. It's amazing how wrapped up in this stuff I became; this was the most emotionally draining meeting we come up against yet. It was also the first meeting where we spoke openly about our feelings for Mike Whistler; something I had no intention of doing when we started off with introductions. Tpday Alex and I xhatted about when Dennis and I were officially planning on bowing out. We wait now to see if Tim Gallagher and Mike will be the clubs co-advisers, or if Dr.Greico in a flash of mysterious wisdom and superiority will refuse to meet us half way. I just want to be around long enough to walk out if/when the latter occurs. Some great Diner shots were taken not long after, but I seem to have misplaced my camera....

Billy Jean (is not my lover.)

If ever there was a woman who's every aspect matched perfectly a thick pair of ill-fitting, mom-inspired trousers, its Jean; the bane of my DSL lab existence. Strangely enough, a little conflict seems to be doing me good.

Just last night i was thinking about tanking the whole blog thing-I've been pretty disheartened since the "big meeting" with Dr.Swanson, Dr.Greico(degree in music theory??) Chris Coia and Mike. Can't wait to upload the picture for that day...I'll refrain from a full on rant for now. I've been swinging back and forth from feeling good and getting stuff done to feeling listless and low pretty hard. The good news-I can always catch up. Speaking of catching up, I'm off to finish off the last two assignments for math before class. I'll upload photos and get rid of that godforsaken emo profile picture later.

-With love-

Lizz

Four Days Late

So, I'm internet-shy. I have finally faced facts, and discovered that despite infrequent yet enthusiastic contributions to facebook, a period of flirting with myspace and the brief tryst that was Xanga I really don't want to be trapped into marketing myself to the masses of self-directed "maybe" people that my head tells me are out there. So here is my Photo-A-Day Journal.
-I think the hardest thing at first will be sticking to the one only rule. Midsummer may be a different story.






Sunday May 24th Ferris wheel at Dorney Park, pre-storm.
This trip kicked my ass. The whole place was nearly empty, by amusement park standards and we must have done every coaster in under two hours. Was deleriously tired by the time i drove home from Shannon's in hatfield. This picture was taken just before the storm really rolled in- people were shuffling out of the park, and I was bounding around with my phones camera trying to take pictures of lights for "my blog." Why does it always seem to storm on the ride home from Dorney?

Flags and Graves

Monday May 25th. Grave Digging.

Went grave hunting with dad-He is working with some program where genealogists online help each other out by hunting up dead ancestors and documenting their graves. I have no idea who's relatives Hans and Ana Clemmer are, but after skimming row after row of tombstones, trying to decipher mostly pa dutch names etched in shale and other assorted local rock, I am sure I will not forget them for a long time.

Some fury of organization came over me on monday- cleaned out all my old notebooks, made an attempt to make my rooms more interactive than decorative. Ive been talking about painting my room since the hazy purple-gray was introducted, but this summer maybe i can make it happen. Ive had some good practice recently, anyway.